As Lent approached for the year of 2014, I had been doing some personal reflection in regards to my not-so-fun/ this-is-getting-difficult/ not-so-new new years resolutions. At first, it was humorous to me that I had fallen into the familiar pit of failing to break old habits or start new ones, but eventually turned into a haunting reflection of why change is so difficult.
What have I tried changing before? My weight, my look, my attitude, my grades, the effort I give, and the list goes on and on. Why is change so difficult? Is it because my weakness in each personality test I have ever taken says “tends to be a bit of a control freak?” Do I simply enjoy familiarity? What about change causes my soul to be weary, anxious, and flustered?
I run in circles trying to create a better version of self in hopes of resting in the unattainable peace of empty satisfaction. Change is difficult for me, because no matter how many more “things” I add to my life: busyness, workout plans, improved time management skills, positive attitude, encouraging friends, I am never deeply satisfied.
In an attempt to increase godliness in my life, I am often feasting on the things of God, but not God himself. I lose sight in the midst of efforts (even ones aimed towards holiness) that my soul, my inner most being is fulfilled when I am filled by my Maker himself, and not the things he’s made. I was made to crave, but my needs were only intended to be satisfied by the Ultimate Satisfier. As I eat upon the food of man, I often miss feasting upon the goodness of my Maker.
As I look to the things of this world to satisfy me apart from God, I lose sight of God and gain the treasures I was intended to have with God, not apart from Him. True satisfaction is not found in the gifts, but in the giver.
Which brings me back to why the season of Lent brought back the familiar uncomfortable feeling. Ashamedly, I find petty satisfaction in the gifts of God, rather than God himself, and giving up my comfort is a difficult exchange. I often catch myself trusting in God to get his stuff. I trust in him to get his peace, his love, his comfort. Now these things of God are not bad, rather they are inexpressible gifts of joy given to us by our loving Father. But, how often do I approach the throne of the Almighty God seeking his character, without the expectation of a fountain of goodness in return? Even the creation of God does not amount to character of God. Yet, clearly God is not enough for me when I look at all the stuff I have.
I gorge my stomach, my emotions, my thoughts, until I am so full that when I come to Christ there is little taste left. Jesus alone can fill my desires. Jesus alone can transform my wants. Jesus alone can conquer my sin. He transforms the way I live.
We overcome sin by letting Christ overcome us. Jesus should fill me up and there should be no room for the world to even be appetizing. When you feast upon Christ as your satisfaction sin becomes disgusting; it is then that we become conquered by a superior satisfaction. My prayer is that my desire for pleasure would be increased. May my heart delight in giving up my comfort in light of advancing the gospel in my life and the lives of others, because indeed my King is worth it.
“But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith — that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.” Philippians 3:7–11
Jesus is an infinite fountain of guaranteed satisfaction. The Creator on high, who better knows how to satisfy as he draws and allures me and through his grace he seeks me. When everything in this life is taken from me my hope is secured in the rock of eternal satisfaction.
Every pleasure of this world is fleeting. The pleasures of this world are no longer appetizing because there is complete satisfaction in the person of Christ. It is delight, the overflow of my affections for my joy to be made complete in the praise of who I worship.
“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” -CS Lewis