Forgiveness – God’s Coloring Page

The other day I was coloring with my son and trying to find some way to connect. Amidst it all, he was scribbling all over the page going out of the lines as most 3-year-old boys do. I was coloring in a little tiger inside the lines as an average mom would do. I told him what he was doing looked beautiful, and that he was a great “color-er.” He responded by looking up at me and said, “Mommy, yours is bad.” I couldn’t help but chuckle because in comparison to his coloring mine was flawless.

It got me thinking about how often in life God has created this beautiful plan, He’s designed a picture and while He’s walking with us through our lives and “coloring” with us, we often look up at Him when we are completely ruining the picture and say, “Daddy, yours is bad.” Time and time again I pick up my crayons and give my best effort at making a plan all while God is creating His masterpiece. I continually try to take away the crayon and say, “no yours is bad,” all while He was creating something beautiful amidst my mess. He delights in seeing me give my effort, but what I think He really wants is for us to give back the crayon to the master artist and trust that His design is far beyond our wildest hopes and dreams.

The next day my son had to go to his room to have some time to reflect on the way he was speaking to mommy and daddy. We ended up closing the door so he could have time to cool down. I told him I would be just on the other side of that door and would open it as soon as he calmed down. I sat there for what felt like hours painfully listening to wailing screams and banging on the door and the wall. His shrieks replayed over and over, “I want you to open the door!!! Mommy, open the door!!! Mommy, open the door!!!”

It could’ve been so easy to get frustrated and just as I was about to God reminded me of His patience as our father. How many times does God “close a door” that I thought had a right to be open? I wail and scream. I kick the door, I bang my head on the wall. I beg God to open the door, and then He doesn’t. It hurts. It bruises my pride because I thought I had the “right” for this “door,” this “opportunity” to be opened and given to me. How often is one door closed and I yell and say, “God you’ve left me!” But truly, He’s on the other side of the door with tears in His eyes because it pains him for His child to be so wounded. He wants us to trust that His goodness and His kindness permeate through any and every closed door, through every trial, through every tear.

I never sat on the other side of the door to tease my son or taunt him. I was simply waiting for his stillness. I was waiting for his acknowledgment of my presence even when he couldn’t see it. I was there with him the whole time, but I didn’t make myself present to him until his posture was still, until I recognized that he was peaceful, until he knew that I would open the door when it was the right moment and he had already trusted that I would be there with open arms. Now, this isn’t to say that God can’t make himself known to us amidst the kicking and screaming. It is to provoke your thinking that maybe if the kicking and screaming feel like it’s getting you nowhere, my question is, have you tried being still?

As soon as he calmed down, I opened the door and with tear stained eyes on both of us, I said, “hey buddy, I see you’ve calmed down. Do you want to talk to mommy?” He put his finger to his mouth, bit it gently, looked down at the floor, and shrugged his shoulders. I responded, “that’s ok if you’re not ready. I’ll be here as soon as you are.” We sat there for a few minutes and just stared at each other. There wasn’t condemnation nor evil glances exchanged just a simple worn-out look. He finally said, “mommy I need to tell you something, but I don’t want to.” I asked him what it was and he responded that he needed to say sorry, but he didn’t want to. My eyes filled with tears at this moment because of how deeply this resonated with me.

My heart had already been filled with tenderness because he’s my son, and I wanted to forgive him because of how deep my love runs for him. Then my heart broke to pieces because of how often I wrestle with shame when I know I do something wrong, yet God is sitting there with tender eyes patiently waiting. Oh, how God’s heart longs for ours to run to His and ask for forgiveness. His love and forgiveness are engaged and in tune with every word we say. His love is so pure and good so in His waiting for our return, His arms are held open with tear stained eyes.

His entire plan is forgiveness. He restores every broken heart. Hand over the crayon to Him.

Kali Dunson