Are you going to get to keep her? Is the adoption final yet? When will you know for sure? Isn’t it hard always wondering if she will get taken away? I could never do that.
These questions used to bring me incredible anxiety. I would constantly go into a minor panic attack because the truth is, I don’t know the answer to any of these questions. Let me start off by saying, I can’t do it. Nothing about my personality is good with letting go of control and being a foster parent is 100% out of your control. Every step of our journey has been God planting our feet directly behind His. When Austin and I went on this journey of becoming foster parents, we prayed fervently that God would grant us not only the blessing of getting to foster a child but eventually if the Lord wills, to adopt one (or more). Throughout all of our training they constantly told us there was always a possibility these children could be reunified with their biological family, yet when we held our little girl in our arms for the first time we wondered what life could ever be like without her.
My heart physically aches at the thought of that day ever coming. My hands are trembling even writing this as I put it onto paper because even an ounce of it becoming true paralyzes me. Our sweet girl is bright-eyed, full of joy, wonder, and beauty. She truly brightens our lives. There is something so special about her and if you’ve met her, you know exactly what I’m talking about. I couldn’t imagine my days without hearing that sweet coo and giggle or without spit up on at least one piece of clothing I am wearing that day, or detangling the never-ending knots in that baby girl’s hair, but I have come to a gut-wrenching, churning of my stomach realization: she is not mine.
First and foremost, she belongs to the Lord, but in a more legal sense, I do not have rights to my sweet girl. She is not promised to me tomorrow. CPS could call tonight and say she is being removed from our home. I say all of this to say that having this sweet girl in our home and learning to hold her with an open hand to the Lord has taught me that everything in my life should look this way.
Over the last few weeks, Austin and I have been reminded of just that truth… we are not in control and cannot put our faith in anything except Jesus. Particularly in the last month, there have been two different instances where we were confident one thing was going to happen and felt the rug pulled out from underneath us and let me tell you, it crippled me. It broke me. My first reaction was to hold my fist up and blame God for leading us to a place that led to a dead end, but if I believe that God is “after me” in some harmful way, then I have lost sight of the truth that He is “for me.” My hope and faith can be trusted with Him because even when I can’t see it, or feel it, He loves me and my little girl more than I can comprehend. He is for us and not against us. His ways are higher than ours. His plans are good.
My plans coming to fruition do not determine the goodness of God’s character, even if it is something I believe God called me towards. My peace cannot come from getting everything I wished or hoped for, Jesus is the only peace. He is the only one who can sustain us in the storm.
Nothing in my life should ever be held onto with white knuckles and a closed fist believing it is mine, not my job, not my husband, not my house, not my money, not my health, not even my own sense of security should ever be held believing it is guaranteed to me.
Now because nothing is promised in this life does that mean I should live half-heartedly or in fear of tomorrow? No, absolutely not! Jesus didn’t reserve Himself from us because He was afraid to get hurt, rather He threw himself out there fully and unashamedly on the cross knowing full well He would take the lashes of our burdens, sins, and shortcomings. If we are made to be more like Jesus, are we not called to give ourselves fully with no reservation knowing full well there is a possibility we could be hurt in the call to love?
Where He leads us to go there’s a Red Sea road when we can’t see the way He will part the waves and we’ll never walk alone. -Ellie Holcomb