*WARNING* The image below will not contain a typical picture of food, cutesy bible + journal + coffee picture, a selfie of me and my dog, a picture of a tidy home, just-did-my-makeup-perfect-filter selfie, cool scripted font of song lyrics. In fact, it’ll contain none of the above.
— RATHER —
Here’s my few hours of sleep, no makeup, haven’t washed my hair in three days, semi-double chin, overwhelmed with a to-do list, just had a donut for dinner picture:
I spend so much time hiding behind filters, not just in pictures but also in my life. I am so quick to fight back when things look or feel uncomfortable. I see a blemish and just add a filter. I often compromise the rawness of truth for a perfect filtered life. I fight so hard to uphold a reputable image that I spend all my energy piecing together a lifestyle, which appears flawless.
Instead of the whole “New Year’s Resolution” thing, I choose a word that I hope to be the theme of the year. Often times it’s something the Lord wants to refine in me. My word for 2016 is fight.
Throughout the course of this year, I have been discovering what the word “fight” really means. I thought it was comical that this was the word that was placed on my heart. Because if anything, I thought I knew how to fight. In fact, I can be quite argumentative at times. I’ve never really been classified as one who holds her tongue and because of this, I often end up apologizing more often than not.
In the past month the verse in Exodus 14:14 has been ringing in my mind. “The Lord shall fight for you; you need only be still.”
I used to take this verse as: God will solve all my problems and all I must do is kick up my feet and He’s got this. This was until the Lord showed me a few weeks ago that being vulnerable, taking off the boxing gloves, and surrendering is what I should be fighting for.
In Exodus 14, the people of Israel had been released from under Pharaoh’s hand. They had suffered and been enslaved for hundreds of years. After the release of the people, Moses had led the Israelites out from Egypt. Shortly after, Pharaoh changed his mind and began to pursue Moses and his followers. Once the Israelites reached the Red Sea they panicked as they saw an obstacle. This is when Moses exclaims, “The Lord shall fight for you; you need only be still.”
Moses can say this with confidence as he leads his people because he has seen God come through for them amidst their suffering. If God hadn’t allowed them to suffer and delivered the people from their trials, the Israelites would think it was their fight, not God’s. They wouldn’t see the importance of their vulnerabilities and His power.
Over the past few weeks, I have seen the importance of falling apart and the importance to “only be still.” I have seen some of the strongest people I know to fall apart. Because some of the strongest people I know are always the ones who know their strength is not of themselves.
There is a student who comes in my class every day with the brightest shining smile who tips his head and says, “Hello Mrs. Dunson, how is your day going today?” He is kind, patient, positive, and incredibly polite. Recently, my class had been doing a class competition. His class was in second place. They needed 100 points to be placed in the lead.
This particular student decided to hand in his stripes (school cash students can use to buy paraphernalia) for the team rather than cash in for a free lunch brought by the teacher in order to put his team in the lead. Every student was whooping and hollering. I said, “students, this is a great example of self-sacrifice. I hope each of you is very thankful towards your classmate.”
Suddenly the student, who gave up his reward, exclaimed the reason he chooses to be so kind to others is because a year ago he almost lost his father. His head fell. His eyes began to water and his voice trembled. He paused to take a shaky breath. “We didn’t know how much longer we had with him.” Another long shaky breath. “In that moment, I would’ve given anything to keep my dad around for one more day. Because of this, I want to give myself to others for their happiness.”
As he looked up, he was no longer the only one in the room with watery eyes. The tone of the entire classroom had shifted. There was no longer giddiness over a victory, rather sympathy and condolences in understanding that it was ok to let go, to fall apart. The students took comfort in knowing they weren’t alone in this fight. It was as if each student in the room exhaled and thought to him or herself, “I don’t have to be perfect.”
Oh, how I prayed the feeling would last in their lives and mine. I prayed the shame, the hiding, the walls; all of it would fall down in all of our lives. We live in such a shame-filled world that if we do not appear perfect, we fear the judgment that is to follow, the stones that would be cast if people really knew what was going on.
I often waste all my energy in fighting to let no one see my flaws, my rawness, the stuff that really goes on behind closed doors, the feelings I really feel that I miss the beauty of vulnerability. I fight and I fight. I am often fighting against surrender. What I pray for you and what I pray for me is that we’d all stop fighting and wasting so much energy towards a “filtered life.”
I pray that we’d see that God brought us out of slavery not for us to continue to be enslaved to our fear of rejection or fear of failure, but so we’d rejoice in what he’s delivered us from and learn to “be still.”
Kali Dunson